Narcissistic

The first day out of hospital, the first day with fresh clothes and the first opportunity to stroll around a little. I was used to be depressed, whenever I caught a glimpse of my reflection in shop windows. Today's reflection was such a salvation! I can't stop looking at it!!!
I am in pain and can't move too much, but it is already like heaven.
I dreamt of this for years: Put on a t-shirt, go out and enjoy life.

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Flat Chest

Surgery was five days ago and I feel a lot better now. I am painfree, but guess it's due to the masses of painkillers they feed me. ^_^
There are hematomas, the chest is swollen and the nipples are dark, which means not yet fully adhered. If you shiver reading this, try to imagine how I feel whenever I watch or touch the described scenery... or how I felt when I found two tubes in my chest ending up in blood filled bottles...

I still have to bind the chest firmly to help the nipples adhere, but since I wore my binder for over a year now, I don't care.

I am freed from a heavy load and therefor very relieved. It will take a while until everything is healed up and I am looking forward to that.

It's the biggest progress!!
What else do I need?
...well, maybe a boyfriend ;-)

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Organising

Due to some testosterone overdosage I got very sick and had to stay home - most of the time in bed or at least sitting and not moving too much.
It is very much like hypoglycemia - shakiness, anxiety, nervousness, tremor, sweating, coldness, clamminess, numbness "pins and needles" in the fingers, hunger, weakness, dizziness, sleepiness, blurred vision, abnormal breathing... pretty scary, huh?
Btw it wasn't hypoglycemia. I had a normal level of blood sugar!
Since I stayed home all the time and by that wasn't able to find a new apartment I'd have had to find until the end of July, I had to organise thinks in a different way. I told my landlord I won't move out which led to another very welcome change. The date for my top surgery had to be in August to make sure I would have been moved by then.
Needless to say I redated the surgery.

July 16th, 2009 will be the day ^_^

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Judge

Today I went to the court to see the judge. Unlike my friend who came to accompany I was pretty relaxed.
The judge was an old smiling man with white hair and beard, small and funny looking. I liked him right away.
What was supposed to be a "hearing" didn't include any question. Au contraire! The judge fascinated by knowing my whole story by heart. He expressed his delight about helping me to finally become my true self.
For almost 30 years he worked together with transsexuals and psychiatric patients. So he also expressed his regret about my several stays in hospitals. Actually he summed up all my stays and found out I was "living" in hospital for 2 years of my life!!!!
He seemed to be amazed I survived suicide attempts, hospitals and self-hate. How am I supposed to know? It was "normal". It used to be my life.
We had a nice little chat about this and that.
It was out of the question for him to reject my application. Actually he apologized for charging me for the whole procedure. He said I simply earn too much money - he tried to make it free for me. If I had known, I would have cheated...
The procedure will be easy. The judge signs the papers and it will take two to four weeks until I get them - until I officially have my new name.

By escorting me to the door, he suggested to go back to med school and try to really help people in psychiatry, because I have the background to understand them... ^_^

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Sorting

"Its not a unicorn, its a horse with a sword on its head to protect my hopes and dreams" (JD)

The events of the last couple of days were confusing.
I fell silent although I feel like I have to talk 24/7?!

I have been waiting for the day I would get rid of the breasts for ages. Now that I not only have been assured the costs will be covered, but also have a date - August 10th, I am very calm and relaxed.
Maybe it's because I know that everything's gonna be alright...

(not only for my little orchid ^_^ )

It still feels weird, because it doesn't feel as special as I expected. Maybe I didn't realize so far.

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Congratulations!

I am on T now for exactly 6 months!

Today the insurance company called and delivered the great news: My top surgery is granted!

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Hearing

The judge wants to see me on June 30th.
What is this about?
It scares the hell out of me.
Why would they want to see or talk to me?????
What am I to say?
Can't they simply write down my new name and sign it or something like that?

I really don't want to go!

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Underage

I went to the store to buy a Terminator DVD. It is rated R and the cashier asked for my ID... (I am way too old for that!!)
My little brother burst out laughing and I was just ashamed to be forced to show my "biological identity".

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Consistent

Chastity-Chaz-Chers-daughter-undergoing-sex-change

When I heard about Cher's son, I was asking myself in what this is going to result...
I expect people to maybe be opener with the topic and especially with me now. There are colleagues who have difficulties coping with me, just because they don't know what exactly transsexuality is. Maybe they get an idea and open up now. I would appreciate that.
Let's hope the press doesn't spoil this delicate topic!

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Exciting

Yesterday I found a message on my answering machine.

"Hello Mr. XXX! This is Mrs. XXX from XXX (insurance company). We received your application for the top surgery and will call you as soon as we have a decision! If you have any questions feel free to call me!"

How cool is that???

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Oh Happy Day

What a great day!

At the movie theatre I pass - completely!
The customers think I am a young man. It is always "he", "him", "Sir" etc.
The funny thing is that I didn't realize this at all. It felt quite normal until my colleague told me this:

A customer asked me a question I couldn't answer. So he went up to the colleague and asked her the same question.
She nodded towards me and said: "Ask her!"
The customer replied: "He doesn't have a clue!"

LOL

My coworkers and me decided it was time to start getting used to the male pronouns for me. Only to help the customers of course ;-)

There is a second thing that made my day.
About ten month ago I got an orchid. It was almost dead and I felt I had to care for it.
Since I am very superstitious, the well-being of my orchid conveys a certain meaning.
Well, my orchid shows a sprout and will be in flower very soon! ^_^
Whenever I look at this sprout I am the happiest boy alive, because it means everything is gonna be alright!

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Positive

I got the second report yesterday.
I think it's very good, detailed, logical and convincing.

...I would grant anything ;-)

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More Changes

People at work begin to realize.... although I never told them.
Well, it is pretty obvious now.
I kinda like that.
I was hoping, it would be obvious one day so I wouldn't have to explain to each and everyone. Seems like I've reached that point.

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Thrill

I just heard my last report is ready.
I'll have it in just a few days....

Maybe some of my arguments weren't that bad after all...

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Not My Style...

I am not the kind of person that just sits around and waits.
I have to DO things.
I am used to solve problems by discussing them and having arguments with responsible persons standing in my way. This time I feel really helpless, cause my discussions didn't speed up any process... I HAVE to wait for my last reports....

I hate waiting...

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it means...

What does transitioning mean?

It means (among other things) :

- Talking to totally unknown people about totally private details - over and over again.

- Talking about bodily functions, bodily changes and - again - bodily private details.

- Being asked totally private questions about totally private details by totally unknown people.

- Being misunderstood.

- Being judged.

- Explaining yourself to totally unknown but totally important doctors and therapist, so they can write reports to declare you "sane" in the sense of being transsexual and NOT loony to make some judge believe it is right to change your name.

- Collecting a mass of reports from totally unknown but totally important doctors and therapist for the insurance company, so they can declare you "insane" to grant you "sex change operations".

- Paying for two psychiatric examinations the judge demands.

The system makes ME pay for ITS bureaucracy. I wouldn't have to officially change my name if there was no such thing as a "legal name". It is THEIR stupid invention I am paying for.

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why?

Why do you do all this?

Because it makes me feel less weak and worthless.

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Impatience

I applied for the top surgery.
It is the most important step and I can't wait to get it.
But I am so worried about the decision and the time they will need to answer my application...
Gawd, I wish there was a way to expedite the proceedings.

The last report of the second consultant is also still missing. I was assured again, I'll get it, but it needs to be written... So far it only exists in his head as he told me...

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Amazing

Today I received a brand new job description from my boss for documentation. It was written about and for Mr. XXX! And I was asked to sign it as Mr. XXX.
I was so touched.
It is like the first "real" document in the "real world" with my new identity...
Maybe I should xerox it and take it home.

I can't stop reading it again and again and again ^_^

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Celebration

I talked about my whole life for about an hour and a half.
After that the consultant said: "Of course I'll support your application! You have been suffering enough!"

That makes two positive reports from two independent consultants. (The other one is already my psychiatrist... so he knows me well enough and he already assured me of his positive report.) Soon as the judge has them, he won't have a choice. ^_^

My name will be changed!!!!!

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